Forget Redoubt, Brace for the PAC Cruise

Posted on: February 2, 2009 | Ryan Reynolds | Comments Off | Print Article | Rate Post:

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I have exciting news. If you’re tired of the cold, pining for the sun, or just wishing you could get away for a while, your time has come. Yes, Alaska is moving forward. And South.

With Governor Palin’s recent formation of a Political Action Committee, we can all look forward to sunnier days ahead. I have it from a trusted source, deep within the confines of a local watering hole in Juneau, that Alaska is going for a ride. And not just the proverbial one. This ride’s for real. Goodbye Canada! So long winter! We are breaking free and sailing South.

You haven’t heard about this? With the untold millions bound to come slinking into SarahPAC, a Top-Secret plan has been developed under the guise of “natural resource exploration”, to drill blasting tunnels all along the Alaska-Yukon border. Once the tunnels are in place, and a few spare “nukes” from the missile silos have been planted, it’s KABOOM! and we’re off! Forget saving that PFD for a Hawaiian vacation next winter. We’ll see our southern neighbors soon enough on the ultimate cruise ship – Alaska.

Can you imagine the fun we’ll have, sailing the state down along the BC coast, stopping off in Seattle for a visit and to pick up a few freeloaders, maybe grab some more Starbucks to blanket Wasilla and Soldotna. Then, it’s off to Hawaii for a little fun in the sun before we continue our journey.

“Where are we going?” you might be wondering. Why Washington D.C. of course! Our new home in the land of opportunity. It’s going to be quite the trip, down past the Equator, along the coast of Chile until we reach Cape Horn and turn the corner. Anyone with cold feet is free to jump state at that point. Perhaps we can drop off Kodiak and a few of the Aleutians for those Alaskans that want to start a new colony in the Southern Hemisphere. But most importantly, we’ll finally have those penguins all the tourists are looking for. I might pick up a few marsupials along the way as well since really, every state needs at least one.

Did I mention Southeast got left behind? Part of the deal for letting a line of Canada be detonated. But the Yukon coastline is wonderful in the summer. Take the kids! And I’m sure the Southeast residents won’t mind their new nationality as Canadian citizens. Many might even be relieved. Why, with a little campaigning, Juneau might get to be a real Capital again. Sorry Victoria.

But once we’re around the Cape, the home stretch is ahead. Keep that oil pumping and those propellers churning! Not far to go now! Sarah got the Military’s approval on all this for taking care of the “Cuban Problem” on our way through the Caribbean. She’s hired Capt. Hazelwood to chart our course, with an unlimited supply of his favorite vodka once we near our target. A few drinks at the tiller, and ”What was that bump?!”, problem solved. Thanks Joe! Now back to your hole.

Now I know it may be hard to consider ourselves “East Coasters” in the future, but we’ll get used to it. And most importantly, we’re saving the state money here, though Palin may miss out on a few frequent flier miles. But if we can pick up enough speed, we should be able to slide the NW coast right over Delaware, placing Nome at the Capitol steps. That should justify a $2 Billion road right? And perhaps a new zip code for the Gov?

Exciting times are ahead my friends. Keep your eyes on that volcano and your feet firm to the ground. Seismic shifts are close at hand. Just maybe not the one we’re all expecting.

See you back East then. I’m off to go sandal shopping.

Ryan Reynolds enjoys fine beer, good books and scandalous politics. He can be reached at ryannreynolds@gmail.com.