Weird Book of the Week

Posted on: December 1, 2008 | Ryan Reynolds | Comments Off | Print Article | Rate Post:

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I don’t like haircuts. They cost money, the buzzers tickle my ears, and, sometimes I look funny afterwards, though that might have something to do with my appearance before as well I suppose, but generally, I am not a fan of haircuts.

What I am a fan of though, is being cheap when it comes to nonessential items. Haircuts are on that list. My hair doesn’t get sick, or get cavities, or break itself when I fall down the stairs. It is simply there. Sometimes other people think it looks nice. Sometimes they say “I think a weasel is about to bite your face”. But whichever, lately I’ve been thinking about haircuts.

In the midst of such challenging economic times, we must all be conscious of our spending. And yes, even my once-yearly haircut has come under scrutiny. At the price of vanity however, I would like to propose a “For Profit Haircut Moratorium” effective immediately. Well, perhaps not immediately, but right after the holidays how about? Once we’ve got our Christmas cards in order and Grammy’s happy, the Great Hair Growathon can begin.

So what about those who cut hair for a living? Hard times call for drastic measures my friends. And hard times is what’s pounding on our door. You may have to become a Pet Groomer in the near future, though if anyone can still make money giving dogs fancy haircuts, then times can’t be all that bad.

But as far as people haircuts, I wouldn’t be against a Prohibition-style speakeasy for rogue stylists and daring barbers. A cozy little joint where the scissors are sharp, the perms hot, and the beautiful people know who they are when they look in the mirror. That’s off the record though. The rest of us will just have to grin and bear it as the hair grows over our eyes.

Is anyone still with me? It’s not such a bad idea. History provides a wealth of historical figures who shunned haircuts. Jesus, Samson, Lady Godiva, Rip van Winkle, the crazy cat lady who lived next door when I was little; could you find better inspiration? Now all we need is a little Mane ‘n Tail Shampoo and the courage to defy the cultural norm. I even have a slogan in case this trend takes off. “Free your Follicles for Good Finances”. Catchy huh?

Okay, okay, so maybe this whole idea is a tad unrealistic. I’m still on board though, and I can think of at least a dozen local longhairs that are way ahead of the times. If a resistance movement is what destiny has tossed in our lap, then resist we will. Right to the split-haired end.

In the interest of fairness though, I do have a less extreme option. It’s a humdinger however, and I’ve been saving it for a rainy day. But guess what my friends, it’s raining. Now this may not lay the golden egg we’d like it to, but it will trim a few dollars off your expenses. May I present to you then, How to cut your own or anybody else’s hair by Bob Bent.

There never quite was a barber like Bob. I remember Bob back in his young days, when he was full of hairspray and vinegar. He always carried a comb in his pocket and sometimes he gave himself impromptu haircuts during recess. That was kinda strange, but overall, Bob was a swell guy. So, okay, maybe Bob Bent is still allowed to give haircuts for money during the “ (Impending but Due to Popular Opinion Somewhat Improbable) For Profit Haircut Moratorium”, but that’s it. And, in the interest of cutting it short, that’s all I got to say.

A Declaration of Intellectual Freedom: The views expressed here do not represent those of the City of Seward or the Seward Community Library.