Weird Book of the Week

Posted on: August 11, 2008 | SewardLibrary | Comments Off | Print Article | Rate Post:

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For anyone who has ever struggled with that most merciless of tongue-twisting riddles, the “Woodchuck”, and, having suffered the humiliation of unacceptable ignorance in front of friends and family, longed to find that furry little varmint’s face in the crosshairs of some well-oiled firearm, I have something for you. “All About Varmint Hunting”. I know it may sound like a dream come true, but it’s real, and it’s right here.

Now before anyone gets their trousers in a tussle from the thought of that old whistlepig, Punxsutawney Phil, taking a face plant in the last shadow he’ll ever see, may I remind you that he is merely the benign frontman for a highly organized subterranean sabotage unit, bent on death and destruction.

Don’t believe me? Ask any Midwestern farmer and you’ll hear it from the horse’s mouth. Every year, dozens of honest, hard-working Americans meet a tragic and unsuspecting end when their tractors turn to acrobats after collapsing into woodchuck tunnels at high speed. It’s a terrible thing, but we don’t have to sit idly by any longer.

Hunting varmints can provide a body with hours of fun and entertainment. The thrill of the chase, the slow, silent stalk, the violent end. There’s nothing like a full day of ‘chuck hunting to get your blood a’boiling.

Did anyone else know we have groundhogs right here in Alaska? How come it took me nearly a year to find this out?! Sure enough, not long after the construction of the Alaska Highway, a whole passel of renegade Canadian groundhogs began a fierce colonization effort in the Interior. They done infiltrated.

But not too worry. Thanks to today’s advancements in modern weaponry and the lenient hunting policies concerning varmints from Alaska Fish and Game, we can take our state back once and for all. Rest easy Fairbanks. We’re forming a posse, shining our scopes, and heading North before summer’s end.

Maybe we could even get The Marina to offer a new lunch special in keeping with their eclectic menagerie of menu items. Double-ground Groundhog Burgers. When above ground pork just isn’t your style, reach for the meat that digs deep. Get a Groundhog Burger. I really shouldn’t write these things before dinner.

So for all those fans of Bop-a-Mole, why not try it with live varmints? And guns. Watching small animals explode from a distance is something everyone can enjoy. Shucks, bring the kids! Make a day out of it. And just remember, we’re saving lives here. Every groundhog down is another American family saved. Watch your back whistlepigs. We’re comin’ for ya.